Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow

A meme, shamelessly stolen from other bloggers I read:

and updated to include the 25, 20 and 15 year periods. Guess I stole this from one of my younger blog buddies, because theirs didn't go back that far...

Twenty Five Years Ago
-I was 12 years old.
-I was in junior high (7th grade?), and two years away from meeting Kevin, my high school sweetheart.
-I dreamed of becoming a veterinarian.
-I rode horses and painted in oils.
-I read Tolkein's Lord of the Rings and became a life long science fiction and fantasy buff.


Twenty Years Ago
-I was 17 years old.
-I was a college sophomore, majoring in economics and minoring in political science and English.
-Kevin and I had broken up.
-I let my college advisor talk me out of my dreams and into a pale imitation-- premed. I was miserable. I had no earthly idea what I really wanted to do when I grew up, but I knew organic chemistry was the death of my ambitions towards medical school. I did not want it badly enough to work that hard.
-I lived at home because my grades freshman year were so abyssmal, my parents insisted.

Fifteen Years Ago
-I was 22 years old.
-I was in my second year of law school, at the top of my class, loving every minute of it, because finally I found what my weird brain seemed wired to do. Legal analysis was like the most satisfying crossword puzzle ever. I wrote my way onto Law Review.
-Kevin and I were still broken up, but we talked occasionally by phone.
-I was writing poetry and the great american science fiction novel (never finished).
-I was still mourning the death of my first ever childhood dogdog, who was an early fifth birthday present, and died right after I graduated from college. She was my best friend growing up. (I still miss her.)



Ten Years Ago
-I was 27 years old.
-I was a commercial litigation associate in NYC, making nearly a six figure salary.
-Kevin and I had been married two years.
-We were not planning on having kids until after I made partner.
-Everything changed when I was in an accident on the job that I should feel lucky to have survived, which left me permanently disabled.

Seven Years Ago
-I was 30 years old.
-I was in chronic pain, and not sleeping because of nightmares about my accident.
-I was no longer working in NYC, but instead, trying to deny I was disabled and do some occasional legal work out of my home.
-We were in debt up to our hips.
-I no longer wanted kids because I did not think it would be fair to them to subject them to a broken down nutball of a mother.

Five Years Ago
-I was 32 years old.
-I was still in in chronic pain, and now formally diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
-I was pushed into attempting to return to work in NYC by a psychotherapist who did me more harm than good, and nearly wound up addicted to pain killers in order to survive the pain and PTSD, which became far worse.
-We were in debt up to our shoulders, and our marriage was pretty shaky, because it's not easy being married to a barely functional person (i.e., me).
-My biological clock was ticking, but I thought I was too crazy to be a decent mother.

Three Years Ago
-I was 34 years old.
-I was still getting my ass kicked by chronic pain and PTSD.
-Art became my major way of coping with pain and stress. Painting and pottery were therapy.
-We were in debt up to our eyeballs and nearly broke up several times.
-My biological clock was ticking, but I thought I was too crazy to be a decent mother.

Two Years Ago
-I was 35 years old.
-I was still getting my ass kicked by chronic pain and PTSD. September 11th triggered the PTSD realy bad, since I over-identified, having also gone to work one day and nearly gotten killed.
-I trained my German Shepherd Dog to work as a service dog, helping me with mobility and psych issues. She helped me start leaving the house more, and feel like a human being.
- I stopped practicing law entirely. We were in debt up to our eyeballs and nearly broke up several times.
-My biological clock was ticking, but I thought maybe with enough therapy I could be a fairly decent mother. Not the Mom I could have been but for the accident, but not toxic either.

One Year Ago
-I was 36 years old.
-I was still getting my ass kicked by chronic pain and PTSD. Therapy and my service dog helped me cope better than I had before, up until I was forced to give up my meds.
-I was supposed to have my first solo show of my paintings, but the gallery went out of business.
-We were in debt up to our eyeballs and nearly broke up several times.
-I found out in September that I was pregnant with Mikro. I threw up the entire nine months, and was pretty much housebound. I could not use my service dog because my pregnant nose was so sensitive, I could not stand dog smell without barfing. (Even if I bathed her daily.)

Today
-I turned 38 a couple months ago. I am mommy to a 6 month old boy.
-I am still getting my ass kicked by chronic pain and PTSD. My service dog had to be medically retired due to an injury, and I am forbidden to take meds because I am breastfeeding. The only good thing about my disability is I get to be home with my baby. Lifting the baby is killing my back and neck...
-I don't get much chance to paint since Mikro was born, but hope to get back to it one day soon.
-We have a shot at getting out of debt, having refinanced our home recently to get a better rate and get some equity out.
-I have seen a whole new amazing side of my husband, who is a truly wonderful and loving father. And I have a beautiful, sweet, smart son who has brought joy back into my life. I'm not a perfect mother, but I will be the very best mom I am able to be.

Tomorrow
-I will be waiting for a delivery from Home Depot so we can get started on baby proofing our bathroom.
-I will be hiding from Trick or Treaters till Kevin gets home, because I am an anxiety disordered mess, and can't deal with it on my own.
-We will take Mikro trick or treating in his tiger costume, which I bought six months ago and can barely cram him into. We'll just stop at a couple of our neighbors' places.
-We will carve a pumpkin, drink hot chocolate and eat Mikro's candy.
-I will celebrate how much I love my husband and my sweet little son, and be grateful that they love me despite my disabilities.