TFMB (TM) Nominees 2012

If you have known me for ages, you may understand the above acronym. It is not polite or family friendly. It is rantalicious and profane, so read on at your own risk... Here begineth the RANT... Today's stellarly stoopid nominees include:

• The First Felon: The incredibly ignorant turdwaffle at Penn Station on the IRT line, who had about 16 pieces of luggage strewn across the platform, blocking it entirely save for about an 8 inch path directly abutting the edge of the platform. Walking this would require you to be leaning out in space and at risk for falling on the tracks or getting hit by an incoming train. I asked TFMB Nominee Number 1, politely: "Excuse me." She did not move her shit, but gave me a dirty look instead. I then said: "Could you please move your luggage. Nobody should have to fall on the tracks because your bags are in the way." Her response: "Fuck you! I should push you on the fucking tracks!" Said to me in front of my 9 year old and my husband. My response was to urge her to anatomical impossibilities and call her an asshole. There are two transit cops standing less than 10 feet away who have not even raised an eyebrow. My husband tells her "Don't threaten my wife." She screams "Get out of my fucking face." I walk up to the cops and say "Excuse me, officers..." but we do not stick around to watch them tell her she's a hazard and to move along, because we have a train to catch. We are headed out to see my parents.
• Douchecanoe Number Two: On the way home, we are grabbing coffee for the ride, accompanied by my parents, who are there to see us off. We only have a few more minutes with them, and a 2 minute job of ordering coffee becomes a ten minute one when the two utterly self absorbed divas ahead of us (who are together) decide they must monopolize both counterpeople to get their order ready, then refuse to pay separately, holding us up for no good reason and making my blood pressure soar to the point where caffeine was unnecessary.
• Turd Three: On the train, my kid is reading something educational. I am trying to read on my Kindle. A family of 4 sits adjacent to us and the mother, who has a *brain bleedingly annoying tinny voice*, proceeds to read aloud to one little darling from the world's most drivelsome book on soccer players, rendering it impossible for me to read, or even hear myself think. She is apparently a frustrated actress with delusions that the entire train car would applaud her monotone blather, since she deemed it necessary to project so they could hear her at the opposite end of the train car. I stuffed tissues in my ears and tried to read, and watched my kid squirm and try to concentrate. Daddy read to their other little darling, but he was a decent human being with a clue that modulating his voice was in order, and I could not even hear him. I can't believe their second darling child could either, because his mother's dental drill-like tones where all that reached my ears. My tissue stuffed ears. I then proceeded to tie my fleece lined jacket over my head like Lawrence of Freaking Arabia, to try to further insulate my ears from her droning, but I could *still* hear every single tedious word. Frustrated performance artist mother did not even get the hint when I loudly stated that I could not hear myself think, and began reading my own book aloud, with inflection, which is more than I can say for her horrendous performance. And it was clearly intended to be a "Look at me! Aren't I a superb parent? I read to my darlings!" performance for which she wanted a standing ovation. Bitch, please. Do you remember the final scene from the wonderful movie "Pi"? If I had a drill, I would have stuck it in my freaking ear to make your torrent of uninflected verbiage Stop Already. Holy crap. If you did that to a prisoner, it would be considered cruel and unusual punishment. This captive audience member was NOT impressed.
• Twit Four: As I drive up the road, I am cut off by an out of state driver, who pulls right in front of me and slams on his brakes and Stops.Dead. in the middle of the lane of traffic as he attempts to figure out where the hell he is going. I'm sure he was heading to our local Halloween idiocy, which has become a 6 week extravaganza that renders living in this town in the fall nearly as aggravating as my train ride home tonight, but on a sustained basis. Getting groceries is about as much fun as root canal because of the logistical nightmare created by this event and the Stupid People who pour into my town to attend it. Out of state event goer started and stopped suddenly a few more times before he eventually got back on the highway going the wrong way. I do not feel sorry for him in the least. I only wish he'd take the rest of the stupid with him.

So, TFMB material, all 4 of you. I salute your incomparable density and unmitigated self-involved head-up-the-ass-ness. It is truly a marvel of dipshittery and awful to behold.

30 Days of Lists: Little Joys

30 Days of Lists: Trends I Can't Stand

30 Days of Lists: Places I Lived

Yesterdy Was...

30 Days of Lists: Day 21

Everything I bought during the week of September 21st...

30 Days of Lists: Day 18:

Favorite Names: For People:

• Ceilidh
• Megan
• Kelly
• Chele
• Allie
• Mara
• Elizabeth
• Katherine
• Luna
• Kevin
• Michael
• Justin
• Brian
• Hudson
• Robert
• Rick
• Devon
• River

For Pets:

• Smokey
• Mocha
• Piper
• Amicus
• Olympia
• Lucky
• Cocoa
• Brandy
• Mystic
• Loki
• Titan

30 Days of Lists: Day 17

Excuses:

• Prior engagement.
• Lack of funds.
• Not feeling well.
• Too early or too late.
• Not kid friendly.

All of these are legitimate reasons to say No, but they become excuses when they are exaggerated or easily, painlessly overcome, but the motivation to do so is lacking because I Don't Wanna....

Things I Use Excuses to Avoid:

• Parties (Hate 'em!)
• Things that involve long or unfamiliar drives to get to them.
• Eating at places that won't have vegetarian options.
• Things that involve huge crowds or are otherwise claustrophobia inducing or triggering.

30 Days of Lists: Day 16

I reserve the right to add to this one, frequently...

Things I Want to Learn:

• To play the banjo, mandolin, piano, recorder, bag pipes, saxophone, and Irish tin whistle. Guitar, dulcimer and fiddle, too.
• To speak German, French, Kanienkeha (Mohawk) and Latin.
• To sing like a pro.
• To compose music to go with the lyrics I write.
• To finish [writing] a novel.
• To knit and crochet.
• Glassblowing and stained glass.
• Throwing on the [potter's] wheel well.
• To drive stick shift so I can drive a race car.
• To scuba dive.
• Canning and preserving.
• Effective gardening.
• To save money.
• Sailing.
• Bookbinding.
• Quilting.

30 Days of Lists: Day 15

I Know I'm Young at Heart When:

• I get a big hug from my family.
• I make art.
• I make a sandcastle at the beach.
• I swim.
• I look up at the clouds with Mikro, looking for shapes.
• I make a wish.
• I take a nature walk.
• I stand by the river, and dream of where the tides might take me.
• I sing.
• I play with my son.
• We do messy art projects.

30 Days of Lists: Day 14

I Know I'm Getting Older When:

• I stiffen up from sitting to long.
• My knees creak
• I look at my shockingly white streaked hair in the mirror.
• I hold off on going to the bathroom to avoid climbing the stairs
• I hear what teenagers are calling music these days and grumble.
• I would rather take a nap than watch TV.
• I have to take off my glasses (for distance) to see close up.
• I realize my son is getting to be a Big Kid, not a baby anymore.
• Someone reminds me how long it's been since... (high school/college/law school/we met/etc.)
• Too many aches and pains:
  • Neck
  • Back
  • Hips
  • Ankles
  • Knees
  • Feet
  • Elbows
  • Shoulders
  • Head.
• I can't straighten up completely.

30 Days of Lists: Day 13

Guests at the Ultimate Dinner Party (in no particular order):

• Jesus
• Gandhi
• Georgia O'Keefe
• William Shakespeare
• Emily Carr
• T.E. Lawrence
• My Gramma
• Pete Seeger
• Buddha
• Mary Oliver
• Francis of Assisi
• Rachel Carson
• Maya Angelou
• Jane Goodall
• Leonardo da Vinci
• Ben Franklin
• Jean Craighead George
• Deganawidah
• Vincent van Gogh
• Farley Mowat
• John Adams
• E.O. Wilson
• Henry Hudson
• Woody Guthrie
• Martin Luther
• Martin Luther King, Jr.
• Tom Porter
• J.R.R. Tolkein
• Jake Swamp
• Ray Fadden
• Roy Chapman Andrews
• George Lucas
• Homer

30 Days of Lists: Day 12

Fictional Places I'd Like to Live:

• Aboard the Starship Enterprise.
• Margaritaville!
• Camelot
• In a Yellow Submarine!

30 Days of Lists: Day 11

Favorite Scents:

• Rain + Hay + Horse Manure
• Cinnamon
• Burnt sugar cookies
• Clean little boy
• A breeze off the river or ocean.
• A hint of my Gramma's perfume (Chantilly Lace)
• Vanilla
• Citrus fruit
• Baked Ziti cooking
• Roses in the garden
• A bonfire or campfire.

The Nose Knows: Most of these are triggers for GOOD memories.

30 Days of Lists: Day 10

I am a gimpy, middle-aged hippy, not Super Woman, and things are better when I remember that. Overdoing it just leads to more downtime as my wretched spine gets even with me for daring to pretend to be normal... Better to respect the limits of pain.

I Am At My Best When:

• I get enough sleep (ha!)
• I take my Vitamin D
• I have had my coffee
• I've made art recently -- it keeps me semi-sane...
• Things are good between me and the people I care about... Kev, Mikro, my family, friends, etc...
• I have made time to go be by my river...
• I'm journaling or blogging or doing something to hold on to my life before I forget it...
• I am not overscheduled
• I respect my limits.

30 Days of Lists: Day 9

Today You Can Find Me:

• Cuddling with my sweetie.
• Drinking iced coffee.
• Sculpting a dragon in clay.
• Watching Mikro sculpt a dragon and moai.
• Releasing insect specimens.
• Driving myself crazy worrying about money.
• Watching Kev work on his modelling project- super detailed robotic Terminator skull.
• Getting a massage. My husband is my physical therapist. He has magic fingers that keep me functional. (Limited, but functional...)

30 Days of Lists: Day 8

Out My Front Door:

• My car, the Blue Beast.
• The overgrown, weedy sidewalk (oops!)
• Front yard & fence
• Bird feeders galore & water dish
• Patio table
• Bucket o' garden tools
• Porch swing
• Rose bushes gone crazy wild
• Flowers sticking out of the fence
• Birds, squirrels
• Amazon packages on the stoop

30 Days of Lists: Day 7

Midnight Snacks:

• Evil addictive pizza flavored Combos
• M&Ms
• Cold Pizza
• Cheese & crackers
• Pears
• Chocolate chip cookies
• Glass of almond milk (chocolate)
• Salty sunflower seeds
• Granola bars
• Pomegranates
• Chocolate flavored yogurt
• Pie (pumpkin, nlueberry, coconut custard)

30 Days of Lists: Day 6

Reasons to Quit Procrastinating:

• It creates chaos and makes me miserable.
• I end up doing "whatever" any way, just under more time pressure and more self-induced stress.
• It makes other people mad at me.
• It solves nothing.
• I don't really enjoy the time I spend avoiding "whatever" because I feel too guilty to let myself have fun.

30 Days of Lists: Day 5

Reasons to Start Walking More:

• Getting into better shape. Driving everywhere is expensive and has cut my endurance down.
• Seeing more. More nature, more beauty, less of the back end of the car in front of me...
• Cussing less --- Less driving means less anxiety ridden swearing and profane song composition at the wheel.
• I miss picking up acorns, leaves, feathers, etc. and really being able to see the sky...

30 Days of Lists: Day 4

Day 4's topic was things you do when you need a time out.

What it says: When I need to decompress, I go sit by my river. There is nothing like listening to the sound of the running water, watching the shore birds, feeling the sun on my face, and letting all my cares just ... drift away... And on the rocks, there are other destressors listed:

• Music
• Painting
• Pottery
• Tea
• Drawing
• Calling my mom
• Bird watching
• Reading
• Poetry
• Coffee
• Take a nap
• Laughing with my sweet son
• A big hug from my husband
• Taking a walk
• Going out with friends
• Research obsessively
• Unfortunately, also spending money...

30 Days of Lists: Day 3

My friends and family would describe me as:

• Intense
• Creative
• A good listener
• Caring, Compassionate
• A dreamer with her head in the clouds
• A screwball comic
• Addicted to coffee
• Smart, Geeky
• Gimpy
• Sloppy
• A total bookworm
• Silly
• Sometimes over dramatic to an operatic degree
• Klutzy
• Potty mouth.

30 Days of Lists: Day 2

Goals for the month:

• To enjoy my family.
• To work on being more organized.
• To get myself doing something "just for me."
• To do something creative.
• To document my life so I don't forget it.
• To get off to a good start for our homeschool year.
• To slow down enough to hear myself think.

30 Days of Lists: Day 1

I have not blogged here in ages, since most of my life is tied up in homeschooling my very gifted 9 year old and I rarely get to paint. But I recently came across a fun art journaling project, and I have been meaning to find something creative to do that's just for me, so I'm reviving the blog to post my daily pages for 30 Days of Lists here. I found this wonderful project rather late in the game, but for ease of correlating my entries to the Daily List topics, I'm going to back date my catch up posts to when they should have appeared. So today is actually September 20th, but I'm posting the first Daily List on September 1st, as I would have if I had signed up at the beginning...

Here is My Day 1 List. The topic is "I am a "lister" because..."

What that chicken scratch says: Ever since the accident, I have had short term memory problems. What I don't write down flies right out of my head. Lists are sanity saving for me. They help me not freak out over not being able to remember. Also because:

• I like crossing things off.
• Helps me not procrastinate.
• Gives me a game plan.