- The First Felon: The incredibly ignorant turdwaffle at Penn Station on the IRT line, who had about 16 pieces of luggage strewn across the platform, blocking it entirely save for about an 8 inch path directly abutting the edge of the platform. Walking this would require you to be leaning out in space and at risk for falling on the tracks or getting hit by an incoming train. I asked TFMB Nominee Number 1, politely: "Excuse me." She did not move her shit, but gave me a dirty look instead. I then said: "Could you please move your luggage. Nobody should have to fall on the tracks because your bags are in the way." Her response: "Fuck you! I should push you on the fucking tracks!" Said to me in front of my 9 year old and my husband. My response was to urge her to anatomical impossibilities and call her an asshole. There are two transit cops standing less than 10 feet away who have not even raised an eyebrow. My husband tells her "Don't threaten my wife." She screams "Get out of my fucking face." I walk up to the cops and say "Excuse me, officers..." but we do not stick around to watch them tell her she's a hazard and to move along, because we have a train to catch. We are headed out to see my parents.
- Douchecanoe Number Two: On the way home, we are grabbing coffee for the ride, accompanied by my parents, who are there to see us off. We only have a few more minutes with them, and a 2 minute job of ordering coffee becomes a ten minute one when the two utterly self absorbed divas ahead of us (who are together) decide they must monopolize both counterpeople to get their order ready, then refuse to pay separately, holding us up for no good reason and making my blood pressure soar to the point where caffeine was unnecessary.
- Turd Three: On the train, my kid is reading something educational. I am trying to read on my Kindle. A family of 4 sits adjacent to us and the mother, who has a *brain bleedingly annoying tinny voice*, proceeds to read aloud to one little darling from the world's most drivelsome book on soccer players, rendering it impossible for me to read, or even hear myself think. She is apparently a frustrated actress with delusions that the entire train car would applaud her monotone blather, since she deemed it necessary to project so they could hear her at the opposite end of the train car. I stuffed tissues in my ears and tried to read, and watched my kid squirm and try to concentrate. Daddy read to their other little darling, but he was a decent human being with a clue that modulating his voice was in order, and I could not even hear him. I can't believe their second darling child could either, because his mother's dental drill-like tones where all that reached my ears. My tissue stuffed ears. I then proceeded to tie my fleece lined jacket over my head like Lawrence of Freaking Arabia, to try to further insulate my ears from her droning, but I could *still* hear every single tedious word. Frustrated performance artist mother did not even get the hint when I loudly stated that I could not hear myself think, and began reading my own book aloud, with inflection, which is more than I can say for her horrendous performance. And it was clearly intended to be a "Look at me! Aren't I a superb parent? I read to my darlings!" performance for which she wanted a standing ovation. Bitch, please. Do you remember the final scene from the wonderful movie "Pi"? If I had a drill, I would have stuck it in my freaking ear to make your torrent of uninflected verbiage Stop Already. Holy crap. If you did that to a prisoner, it would be considered cruel and unusual punishment. This captive audience member was NOT impressed.
- Twit Four: As I drive up the road, I am cut off by an out of state driver, who pulls right in front of me and slams on his brakes and Stops.Dead. in the middle of the lane of traffic as he attempts to figure out where the hell he is going. I'm sure he was heading to our local Halloween idiocy, which has become a 6 week extravaganza that renders living in this town in the fall nearly as aggravating as my train ride home tonight, but on a sustained basis. Getting groceries is about as much fun as root canal because of the logistical nightmare created by this event and the Stupid People who pour into my town to attend it. Out of state event goer started and stopped suddenly a few more times before he eventually got back on the highway going the wrong way. I do not feel sorry for him in the least. I only wish he'd take the rest of the stupid with him.
Monday, October 08, 2012
TFMB (TM) Nominees 2012
If you have known me for ages, you may understand the above acronym. It is not polite or family friendly. It is rantalicious and profane, so read on at your own risk... Here begineth the RANT... Today's stellarly stoopid nominees include: