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To see if this post gets forced to the end of my blogroll. Why does that happen and how do you fix it?

Mikro at 30 months

Mikro sometimes talks in his sleep. Some of the things I've heard in the middle of the night while he was asleep next to me are: a recitation of car names, a request to watch NASCAR IMAX, Calliou or Teletubbies, a list of the Teletubbies and what color they are and their favorite things, "Teletubbies [love each other] veddy much!", Mama Daddy Baby, "want yogurt, abeddy [blueberry] apple!" "outside, walk!" "big hug" and "gennamin [gentlemen], start your engines!"

This morning, he sat up with his eyes closed, not yet really awake and proclaimed:

"Mmmmmmmmmm, Mike. Dat me!"

He's more verbal every day. He has his Teletubbie videos memorized. He's singing the "Won't you be my Neighbor" and "Good Feeling" songs from Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. He knows all the character names on Caillou.

He counts to twenty and knows all the primary, secondary and tertiary colors. He knows lots of animals and the sounds they make. He reads simple words. His favorite books are "My Race Car", "Llama Llama Red Pajama" and "The Big Red Barn" and he can point out words on the page and identify them, as well as recite some parts of the stories from memory.

He loves it when we are out in public and he gets a bit fussy and I quote the Llama book: "Silly Llama, What a tizzy, Sometimes Mama's very busy. Please stop all this Llama Drama, and be patient for your Mama. Little Llama, don't you know, Mama Llama loves you so!" Llama Drama is a favorite phrase.

He doesn't quite say "I love you" yet- it comes out "I you!".

He gives the best hugs and kisses in the universe.

He still drives me nuts about his eating habits, though-- he only wants the same thing, over and over again. Yogurt, mama milk, stuffed shells, baked ziti, macaroni and cheese and Gerber pureed bananas. Those are his staples. He'll also eat a bit of lentil, pea or vegetable soup, and sometimes pizza. He thinks if he eats out, he MUST have vanilla ice cream.

He uses plastic forks, knives (to stir and get stuff out of the corners, not really to cut anything) and spoons and is very adamant about feeding himself, which he does very neatly. He cries and yells for a wipe if he spills anything.

He will only drink water, and only from sports bottles. No straws, juice boxes, sippy cups, regular cups, etc. I think that's a carry over from when he had the flu and was dehydrated and we had to do the forced fluids thing. He won't let us near him with any of the things he remembers traumatically from that episode...

I bought him a NASCAR pedal car, which he likes to drag around, but seems afraid to ride in. He doesn't understand the pedals yet. I think he's scared of them because they move...

He takes long walks with us, and is really good about holding Daddy's hand.

He has his two year molars coming in, poor guy, but for the most part, he's full of smiles and giggles. Every night I tell him he's sweet, funny, smart and good, and that I am so lucky to be his mama. Then he curls up next to me and nurses to sleep.

The Littlest Jedi

Kevin and I met because I wore my Darth Vader costume to high school on random days for the fun of it. He is a detail freak and couldn't resist picking on the accuracy of my costume. We had a light saber duel on our first date. So it just figures that eventually Mikro would join in the fun...



For the curious, this is me & Kevin at the NYC premiere of Return of the Jedi:



Kevin gets to see Revenge of the Sith tomorrow, on premiere day in NYC. I'm not sure when the realities of baby wrangling will permit me to see it, but I can't wait!

Mikro at almost 25 months

Mikro is sacked out on the couch, snoring. Given half a chance, I could be, too. We had a late night. Kevin had to run to his mother's to help her out with something and did not get home till after 11pm. (He's heading there again tonight, sigh.) Boy was still up and got his second wind from seeing Daddy. I think he finally let us sleep around 1 a.m.

Then he got up an hour early this morning. Argh. I tried to go back to sleep, but he climbed up on me and stuck his face in mine and kept saying "Hi!" till I gave up and opened my eyes.

We spent the afternoon in the backyard. Today's new discoveries were:

• Drawing in the dirt with sticks (he's definitely a lefty, and unlike my Dad and Kevin's parents, we are not going to make him switch!);
  
• Collecting stones in a pile, then moving them one by one to another pile;
  
• Sending a car down the slide, complete with countdown. He yells "Twee, Q, Dun, Go!" and releases the car, then "Yay!" as it flies through the air.
  
• It doesn't work well when you put the car in the swing. It just falls out;
  
• Pushing the swing is fun, but getting hit by it is not.
  

My son is completely and utterly obsessed with cars and car company insignia. He now refuses to go to bed without one of his many vehicular objects. Last night it was a large Dale Earnhardt Sr. NASCAR shaped pillow, which at least didn't stab me painfully in the back when I rolled over on it in the night. Usually it is a hard plastic wonder, or a metal pencil case tin of the same Earnhardt car...

New words:

• Chevrolet ("shookoo")(when pointing at the Chevy insignia of the beloved Earnhardt car)
  
• Dodge
  
• Ford ("faw")
  
• Box
  
• Ice Tea
  
• Diaper ("dydah"). It's great- he tells me when he needs changed! Especially when he's pooped!
  
• flashlight ("fishfish")
  
• what it is = what is this?
  
• i do i do
  
• mikey do
  
• mikey bye bye (Mikro is done, or wants to go)
  
• my my (short for his name)
  
• cheese
  
• shoes ("doos")
  
• 1, 2, 3, 8, 9! (Apparently, the intervening numbers are irrelevant.)
  
• seenay (No idea, but oft repeated, generally when pointing out the window.)
  
• dubdub (An old standby, still no parental clue as to what it means.)
  

Poor guy has a major case of road rash on his face. He was running around outside with Daddy at my Doctor's office the other night, and fell on his face and slid down her driveway. Poor baby. I was NOT happy when I came out into the waiting room and saw the carnage...

If I wasn't so tired, I could actually get some painting in. But I just don't have the energy. NOw I need to decide whether I should try to nap (which means he'll undoubtedly wake up) or just go make myself some caffeinated tea.... Tea it is.

Happy Birthday Mikro!

My amazing little guy is two years old! It seems like yesterday that I held him for the first time. He's still more baby than boy, but I can see how quickly he's growing and changing.

Happy Birthday, Mikro. I love you with all my heart and soul. Your smile is my favorite sight, your laughter my favorite sound. Your mama is very proud of you, baby!

Motherhood and PTSD

A few days ago, someone told me that they think that my diabilities may be holding Mikro back... Essentially, that I am an antisocial anxiety ridden freak, and may be turning him into one. No, it wasn't that tactless, but that is the gist of it.

My kid is not in daycare. I just don't see why I need to pay for someone else to deal with him when I am a stay at home (disabled, nonworking, somewhat useless by some people's standards) mom. Yet I constantly catch hell from well meaning friends who think I'm being a martyr or stunting his socialization by choosing to have my child at home full time. Do I sometimes wish I had a break? Yeah. Of course I do. Enough to warrant the expense? No. Enough to resent my kid or wish it was otherwise? No. Do I sometimes have a bad day physically or emotionally and feel a bit overwhelmed? Yeah. But for the most part, I enjoy my son's company and since he's likely to be my only child, I do not want to miss any of his milestones. I like watching him learn and grow, and seeing his sense of wonder and delight at the world around him. I want to be with him.

But there's another reason for keeping him close. The anxiety disorders.

I have never left my kid alone with anyone other than his father for more time than it takes to pee.

Because of my fears.

Because I am utterly terrified of my tiny nonverbal child getting lost somewhere and being unable to tell anyone who he is or where he belongs. In my adrenaline and cortisol soaked head, it makes sense never to be separated from my son until he is old enough to know his name and address and be able to tell someone who his mama and daddy are. Leaving him off somewhere before that point would just send me into a panic.

There are other things the PTSD impacts. Like, I am not comfortable letting him run around in the street with the neighborhood kids unless my husband is also watching him. The PTSD makes me easily distracted. Sometimes I am pretty spacey. I am terrified that I would noodle off and not get to him in time to pull him out of the way of an oncoming car. It is a risk I do not wish to take, because I know my own limitations. This is why I spent two thousand dollars on fencing materials- so I could let him run in the back or front yard in safety. The fence still isn't up, but hopefully will be in early April after the ground thaws...

I have agoraphobia. I don't really leave the house alone (even with the boy). I'll go out with a friend (rare now that I have the boy) or with my husband, but I don't really go out alone. I am afraid I will flash or have a panic attack and be unable to keep track of Mikro while I'm out of it. So the farthest I'll go is walking distance of my house. I'll take him out in the stroller to the local stores, maybe stop at the park, but I'm not gallivanting to malls or museums or taking the train to the city or anything like that. Often as far as we go is around the block a few times. Even that makes me nervous, and I always have my cell phone, just in case.

I am not really comfortable socializing either. I've always been shy. But now I have the additional anxiety about whether or not I am coming off as a freak because of the PTSD. So I tend to avoid people. If Kevin is there, or one of my few remaining offline close friends, who know the whole story, then I'll deal, because I figure they can alert me if I'm getting too weird. But I am always one step away from a panic attack when I'm around other people without a support person.

Despite my oddity, Mikro is friendly and outgoing. He will let anyone hold him. He goes to other people willingly. He runs up to other babies and kids and tries to hug and kiss them. He is a little social butterfly.

The only concern I have about him developmentally is that he is a little slow to start talking. He babbles constantly, and he has some words, and he certainly understands more than he can articulate, but he's not one of these kids who adds words at lightning speed and constantly mimics. I am really worried? No. Would I be relieved if he talked more, yeah. But I sincerely doubt that his verbal ability has anything to do with my disabilities, mental or physical. It's just the way he is. He's learning at his own pace.

Friends and family push me to drill him with flashcards and cram the alphabet down his throat, but I'm not pushing him because I think he's entitled to be a baby, not a little parrot who feeds parental egos by doing tricks like a trained seal. He's not even two yet! But those are conscious parenting decisions, not some icky unintended side effect of having a mother who had PTSD and a ruined back.

My screwed up spine is a whole nother issue. I can't carry him for long. Just lifting him may be enough to cause me a serious problem. But I can sit down and hold him in my lap, or cuddle with him lying down. I can bounce him on my knee, and let him climb on me (which hurts, but I let him do it anyway). I can't lug a heavy diaper bag, or walk huge distances. But I can take a walk with him in the stroller. I can even make it once around the block stooped over and holding his hand, but I'll have to lie down on the floor for an hour or so afterwards, waiting for the spasms to stop.

I'm far from a perfect mother. But I'm always striving to be the best that I can be. And there is nothing in this world that means more to me than the safety, health and happiness of my Mikro.

Alternatives to Chocolate Bunnies

Kevin sent me a link to Chocolate Deities. They offer chocolate goddesses, buddhas, totem animals, a celtic cross, and a very cool nursing mama with babe! I want the nursing mama, but I probably would like it too much to eat it!

How to Make Mikro Dance

Commercials he cannot resist:

The HP photo printer Picturebook song
The Happiness Runs in a Circular Motion song
The car commercial with the Kill Bill theme
The car commercial with Should I Stay or Should I Go.

His technique is improving. He now moves his arms instead of merely rocking back and forth from one leg to the other like a demented gingerbread man.

Long time no blog. We were all down with the flu, Mikro worst of all, and I can honestly say my personal vision of hell has now been amended to include attempting to force liquids into a dehydrated toddler.

Survived another anniversary of The Accident. Zoned out doing the compulsive online shopping thing, even though I know that Numb Does Not Equal At Peace. But sometimes it's the best you can do...

There's new art up on the LJ, if anyone is interested...

Boy Meets Snow

Mikro went out to play in the snow for the first time ever. It was a bit too windy to stay out long, but he took 4 or 5 rides down the hill, courtesy of his daddy draging the sled along (there is video...).



He enjoyed walking in the snow up until he fell flat on his poor little face and got cold and started crying, after which the adventure ended and we brought him inside to warm up and dry off.



He has gotten so big that his snowsuit just barely fits him! His cheeks are rosy (and possibly slightly wind burned, poor babe) and he's busily watching an animal program on TV, fully recovered from his ordeal...